The Torn Pages

 

My grandmother kept a diary. A page for every day of her life. The day I found the boxes of diaries, I was excited to be able to get to know her all over again. She passed away when I was 4 or 5 years old yet she had such a presence and I spent so much time with her, I never forgot her.  As I started reading the pages of the life of this grandmother, mother, wife, and nurse I realized it was just the daily happenings. The weather, who came to visit, where she went that day and just a record of basic life in Windsor, CT. I really wasn’t able to get any more insight into how she felt about things or what made her happy or sad, just the daily grind. Even when I got to the part about her getting breast cancer, there was no anger, sadness, hope. Nothing.

I also keep a journal. Maybe its genetic. I use my journal to write thoughts, stories, bible studies, revelations and things I’ve learned in my life. A record of my ups and downs of how I made it to this day. When I was in my 20s, my husband approached me one day with one of my journals. It’s never been a secret and sometimes I just leave it out so I remember to write.  The question he asked me was.. ”why are there a bunch of torn out  pages in your journal?” My response was that I have no idea what I wrote on them except that they weren’t going to be part of my story anymore.

I will tell you though, what was on those pages. They were secret pages. Pages of anger and frustration. Pages of a broken stomped on heart or pages of extreme emotion that is sociably unacceptable.  Part of life is dealing with things that we don’t like, places we don’t want to be or thinking things we shouldn’t think.  These are things that need to be brought out into the light so they can be dealt with. My way of dealing them when I was younger was that I would write all these things down in my journal until I either couldn’t write anymore or tears would flow through the pages. When I finished, I would tear out the pages and say to them, “I’m done with you. You cant hurt/effect or have power over me anymore. I am the daughter of a King and unconditionally loved.  Then I would grab a lighter and set the pages on fire.  It was gone and I let it go. I would always feel better with my act of confession. This gave me my peace back and now, in between those torn out shreds, are still pages of my life that bring joy and sadness, hope and healing.

As I got older, I didn’t need those torn out pages anymore. When life throws me curve balls, I would find a place by myself, hit my knees and pour out my heart to my heavenly Father. I could never have done that unless I first learned to pour it out on paper.  There is nothing hidden from God. He knows the depths of your heart that even you don’t know about.  Jesus, being fully God and fully man, knows what its like to feel everything we do. He is our advocate before our Father.  If you’ve never done this, you can today.  Write your secret, your struggle or the thing that makes your life hard. Write how you feel about it and what its doing in your life. Just start writing and the rest will come. When you’re done, tear out the page and overcome that secret or emotion. Tell it that it has no power over you and all things brought to light can be brought under the authority of God and He will deal with it now. This is what it means to let go and let God. Then set it on fire. Please do that outside and don’t burn your house down. <wink emoji>

 

Luke 8:17

 

So it's Snakes Then?

Let’s talk about Gods faithfulness. He commands us, “Do not be afraid. Be strong and courageous.”

Whenever I have fear, I have to stop and ask myself, “Is it justified?”  Fear is an emotion that is helpful for survival. It’s why we (most of us) don’t jump off buildings, drive recklessly, pick up snakes, or poke alligators with a stick.  A dose of a known fear will keep you safe; but fear can be manipulated in the mind. Hijacked to pull you into the enemies clutches, Enslave you.

 

How is fear used to manipulate you? Glad you asked.

Take the truth. Let’s look at my fear of snakes and walking in the woods.  You tell me a list of truths:

                Some snakes are poisonous.

                Snakes live in the woods

                The woods have deadly snakes like rattlesnakes and copperheads.

                I encountered a rattlesnake personally in my yard.

                Poisonous snakes can kill you.

All true. Then you add a couple rumors or stories to the truth.  Make it personal. My mind accepted these stories based on what I already knew to be true.

1)      A little boy was playing in the yard and came across a nest of baby rattlesnakes and the boy died.  – this story unknown if true but accepted because it fits with the truths above.

2)      Do you know that they released rattlesnakes in the area to help the environment? Again, also unverified but accepted by the mind because I have seen a couple snakes in my yard; so it must be true.

Then in conclusion, my mind creates this scenario… There are snakes all around me and if I go into the woods, I will get bit and die.  That fear kept me out of the woods for a long time.  During my fear of just hiking in the woods, I turned to looking into things that would protect me from the snakes. Some high boots or maybe those gator guards that cover from the knee down or anything that would protect me. But it was all futile because no matter how protected I felt, the fear was still there.

The real truth here is a fear of death, not snakes. If you overcome the fear of death, you no longer fear running up on some snakes. You still wouldn’t pick one up (healthy fear) but you aren’t paralyzed to just walk in the woods.  How do you overcome the fear of death? Glad you asked again. Jesus tells us.

1)      First, know that what the bible says is absolutely true. Every word is from the mouth of God. If God spoke it, it will come to pass and nothing can stand up against it.

2)      Revelation 1:17-18  “… Don’t be afraid. I am the First and the Last and the Living one. I was dead but look, I am alive for ever and ever and I hold the keys to death and hades.”

Jesus has the keys to death. Only Jesus is the one who locks and unlocks that door. No one else has that key.  If you are needed on earth, it is in his hands; if He calls you home, that only is in His hands as well.

Jesus defeated the fear of death. The destroyer has used that fear to manipulate people since the beginning of time.

Jesus spent some time telling His disciples about the kingdom of Heaven. Why did He do that? Because to be bold, strong and courageous, you can’t fear death.  They needed to know that even if they died spreading the gospel, it wouldn’t be the end.  Even greater things awaited them.

Being absent from the body is being present with the Lord.  Paraphrasing 2 Corinthians 5:6-8

You have a purpose here for a little while. Then you will get to go home. You are an ambassador of the kingdom of heaven in a foreign land.

So, back to the snakes. With these new truths, God directs my steps.  I go back into the woods and walked the path a few times. It was fine. No snakes. Thinking about what was really true and discounting any “stories or half-truths”, I conquered my fear of walking in the woods.  Even though the character of the snake is true and my encounter of a couple snakes is also true, I haven’t died of a snakebite. I have walked by two copperheads in the past and they completely ignored me, that’s true.  I also did see one in the field but it bolted away before I could get a good look at it.

So why? Why am I telling you all this?  Welcome to the world today. If you agree with my snake fear and how to conquer it, say, “Sounds legit”.

Now….. Take that same experience but instead of snakes and woods, replace it with viruses and my community. Same story,

Luke 10:19  Behold, I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and over all the power of the enemy; nothing at all will harm you.

 

 

BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT A FARMER

I’m not a farmer.  My husband is a farmer. I was catapulted into it through marriage at the age of 35. Before that, I was just living my suburban life, having dreams of a creative job and making enough money to have a place to live. Not once did I think about the American farmer and what they do to keep our country self-sustaining.

It took me years after marrying a cattle farmer that I only grasped the mindset. I had to get over the irritation of him never being home and when he was, a mind that was always planning the next farm day or year. If it was light out, I never saw him. Dinner was usually kept warm for him in the oven long after the rest of the family has eaten.  A few cool things I learned on those nights listening to his worry about his cattle and his farm; Did you know that if a cow eats the leaves off a cherry tree after its cut down, it will kill them? Or if they engorge themselves on acorns, which they love, they will bloat, and you have to run them like crazy for them to digest or else they will die?  They have to be fed hay bales every day of the non-grass seasons no matter the weather, they need minerals in the spring and summer to compliment the grass or they get sick, and if you don’t have solid fences, they will end up on your neighbor’s farm, and lastly, you have to spend the entire summer baling hay so they can eat all winter.

My point being farming is a 24/7 mission.  A mission they learned from their parents and grandparents as an obligation to feed America. And America has been so blessed by the hard work of farmers that we have had enough for ourselves and enough left over to feed other countries as well!

This comes at a cost though.  Most farmers I know also have to work full time jobs to be able to afford farming. In the past years, the powers that be have been driving down cattle pricing, raising feed and supply prices and charging customers even more. They tried running out the family farm but quickly found out that these farmers have more resilience and steadfastness than they could even imagine! I remember one year our tax lady told us that if we don’t make a profit in three years, its considered a hobby farm and you can’t get an allowance for the interest on the tractor you needed to feed your cows.  Farming is not a hobby, it’s a deep seeded responsibility these people have to their country.  You will not see farmers living in extravagant homes and vacationing anywhere. Mostly, it’s the exact opposite.  Every dime made goes back into the farm. So you can eat.

So my personal story?  My highly intelligent, educated husband works swing shifts and makes pretty good money.  Money that needs to be saved for farm equipment, fertilizers, minerals, fencing, etc. because like I said, cows are selling cheap and supplies are expensive. A few years after we were married, He was bitten by a Lonestar tick on the farm and developed an allergy to all mammal meat.  If he ate it, he could go into anaphylactic shock. He kept farming his beef cattle. Years after that, he was diagnosis with a rare blood disease where the treatment and outcome was as rare as the disease itself.  Plagued with fatigue, treatments, extreme sickness, he kept working and kept farming. I pleaded with him a few times to give up all this but I knew it was futile even mentioning it. He is my hero.  So here we are, April 2020. Let me tell you, this covid stuff? It can’t match what we’ve endured already.

So the mind set of the farmer? This country has to eat. Without local farming, there would be a mass starvation worse than any plague we have ever seen.  Stop being afraid of going back to work. If my husband can continue to do what he does for you, unable to eat meat himself, with a rare, debilitating blood cancer, then I think you can wash your hands or wear a mask.  You have a better chance of dying of a fear induced heart attack.  We do our part in our part of the country like so many others exactly like us. Together we feed a nation, without us, the nation crumbles. 

The takeaway; Understand all that goes into what you pick up at the grocery store.  That prime rib you’re grilling next Saturday was compliments of a family that sacrificed “family time”, vacations, and personal well being to have it on that shelf.  Also the distributors and slaughterhouses that process the food prepping it for sale to get it to you. They are all still working to the best of their ability to make sure you get fed.  Stop slamming factories for their sacrifice of working through this pandemic.  There are so many unsung heroes in this invisible war.

THE TREE

We have a tree on our farm.  This massive tree in the middle of a field photobombs every picture I try to take of our mountainous landscapes.  Just the other day, as I was photographing the sunset, I grumbled at this tree with its awkward, mismatched branches and its un-tree like presence corrupting my view.  The tree wasn’t always decrepit like this.

This tree was a pillar of strength.  One of the largest in this part of the field. It had these huge branches that seemed to reach to heaven.  In the summer the shade from this tree would cover a vast amount of space keeping our area cool.  This tree was doing exactly what it was intended for in all it’s glory and beauty.  Then it happened.  The first wave was a severe thunderstorm.  The lightning had struck it so intensely, it seemed to have seared it down one side.  A few years later while having some woods cleared, the loggers attempted to cut this one for us but informed us that it was just too dangerous and unstable of a tree to mess with.  They did what they could and moved on.  So now we have this tree; dead, lightning struck, partially amputated and a major eyesore in my quest for the perfect shot.

Then yesterday happened.  As I stood out on my front porch, enjoying a relaxed mountain view, my eyes went to this tree. I watched it. I thought, this looks different. Something is just not as it seems. You know this when you look at the same thing every day and suddenly, a change is made.  This tree was budding. It was showing the signs that new life is coming.  That’s impossible or maybe I’m crazy.

As I call for my husband to confirm my craziness, he agrees in my vision, turns to me and says, “You know, there is nothing on this earth that God considers a lost cause.  He can make something new out of something people say is completely dead.”

 Wow.  This really encouraged me today.  It’s never too late.  You are never too far past the edge to be pulled back to safety.  You are never so far away to come home.  I call it a reset button. You may call it a second chance. Or 3^rd. or 4^th.

Don’t write people or situations off because it's gone too far. Nothing is too far for God to reach, renew and give new life. Nothing and No One.

An Apocryphal Story

There is too much chatter.  Too much assumption and opinion without taking into consideration foundational principles or truth.  To calm my mind sometimes, I have to think, "Ok, what is true right this minute. I am here, doing the things that need to be done and at this time, I'm ok"  If that's not you right now, you may need  this story I found and never forgot in a Sean Covey book I use for teen classes.

The following is a transcript of an apocryphal radio conversation between a US Naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland:

Americans:  "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."

Canadians: " Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert your course."

Americans: "This is the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels.  I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north.  That's one-five degrees north, or countermeasures will be taken to ensure the safety of this ship."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse.  Your call."

Principals, or as I refer to truths, are like lighthouses. They're timeless, universal, and self evident. You can't break the truth, you can only break yourself against it, no matter who you are.  -Sean Covey, The 6 Most Important Decisions You'll Ever Make.

Don't waste the precious time God gave you smashing yourself up against a lighthouse. Maybe it's time to divert your course and a new plan of action to keep your peace and focus on what is really, truly important in life. Know what the truth is, and act accordingly. Make adjustments when necessary. The stuff out there won't change, but you can change how you respond.


The lighthouse is there to guide you.

RACING TO THE FINISH

One of my favorite past times in the 90s was NASCAR.  I loved watching the races.  It was a time of the triple threat. The Dale Earnhart, Rusty Wallace, Ernie Irvin show.  The original men in black. Watching the races on television was ok but being there in person was a whole different experience. The one thing I loved about Nascar that you couldn’t get with any other sport was the inside scoop.

Driving a car around a track at high speeds, especially my favorite ½ mile Bristol track, the drivers had a limited view.  You have 40 cars racing around a ½ mile circle. It was insanity.  Every driver had their own spotter.  The spotter was seated at the top of the track watching it all from above and communicating via radio with the driver about who is in front or behind them, how close they are and if its ok to bank a corner on the inside or outside of it. 

As a fan in the stands, we were able to have a radio and headphones that could listen to the drivers and spotters during the race.  I can’t imagine driving a track without them. The drivers are so buckled in and secured, that they couldn’t turn their heads around to even see what’s coming up beside them.  The view of the spotter and what they were telling the drivers could win or lose you the race.  The drivers listened, trusted what they were hearing and acted accordingly.

That’s how I imagine life.  There has never been a time I could see the whole picture. The only view I have from where I am standing is directly around me. I need a spotter with the bigger picture. A view from a higher angle that can see the whole track. 

As the God of the universe whispers in my ear, I usually try to listen. When I don’t know whats coming up behind me, I wait to hear. Should I drift right or left to avoid a collision.  If I’m not in a place where I can get the signal, I readjust my position.  The best way to make it through life with minimal wrecks is to be tuned in to the creator, who sees and knows all things and has a much better view than me.

If all you see is what you see, then you are not seeing all there is to be seen. - Tony Evans

The Eyes Have it

“Did you see that?”  The senses amaze me. How can two people standing right next to each other see two completely different things?

 On a pretty day, my husband and I like to venture out, drive around and just take in some scenery. Which I know seems odd since we live on a farm, in the woods, surrounded by mountains, but we do. On this particular day, we took a ride down to Spring City, which is a sweet, cute little country town that I adore. We had some intel that one of the oldest steam trains from Chattanooga was coming through and we were excited to get a glimpse of it.  Not sure what time it would arrive, we went down early and parked ourselves by the depot to get a good spot for the tripod and all the equipment I brought to photograph the event.  We settled in a grassy area with a side street behind us and the tracks in front of us.  Beyond the tracks was the main road and a traffic light. Perfect place to get the best shots.

About twenty minutes into our waiting, I hear screeching from the main road beyond the tracks, then a slam, and finally the sound of metal crunching.  We all jumped to our feet to see one vehicle had run the red light and slammed into another.  We moved closer to see what happened and there were the vehicles that were hit along with others that had stopped when it happened. I had to be the first to open my mouth.  “That red truck with the trailer hit that minivan.”  My husband just looks at me like I’m from another planet and says, “Did you even see it? The Impala ran that light and hit the van, the truck was just driving around it.”  Well, that’s not what I saw.  Then my husband, a former police officer, educates me on why officers will interview multiple people multiple times to try to decipher what the real story is. If they all saw the exact same thing, they were probably lying!

We see what we focus on. What we focus on becomes the main event of the story. When I looked in the direction of the accident, what caught my eye was the red truck. It was the focal point of my viewing.  Life is exactly like this. I have wasted many days focusing on the wrong things and letting the good things slip by unnoticed.  .  A few days ago, my attention was  honed in on all the things I needed to do and thing I needed to prepare for the next day.  While I was in my “zone”, I let my teenager, who actually came home after school today, go by unnoticed. Those few moments I live for now to see him hanging around, gone because I was focused on something else. I didn’t see him.  We all may have a different perspective of the world around us, but we do have a choice on what we focus that view on.

Oh, and the train? It was awesome. It flew by so fast and so loud, that if you blinked, you would have missed it.

What are you going to focus on today? What could you be missing while you focus on the things that are fleeting?

Dog Days

I have 2 mountain Cur dogs. Our dogs here are outside dogs. When you live on a farm and dogs love to continuously roll in all things farm related, you really have no choice but to keep them outside. We take good care of our dogs. They run and play all day, following the tractors everywhere they go are laying on the porch when we are inside. At night it’s a different story. If we do not leash them, they will chase, bark and wreak havoc on the entire surrounding area. Every night we tie them. They have their food and water, a cozy dog house filled with hay and cushions for ultimate warmth and comfort.  Each dog has a long chain. The youngest dog, Puppy, has a collar and a clip to tie to and the other, Jazz, has a choke chain that clips to her leash.  The choke chain was the last thing we found that she couldn’t Houdini out of and we have designated this chore of tying and untying the dogs to my son.

 At first light, he goes outside and unties them. They get so excited that they run off at top speed for another day exploring the acres.  Before bed they are fed and tied again, and this is a routine that’s been done all their lives.

Today was a different day.  My son was late for school and asked me if I would untie the dogs for him, so I agreed and I walked outside, unclipped Puppy and unclipped Jazz. Puppy speeds off toward the creek while Jazz just stands there wagging her tail at me. “Go”, I said. She stares at me. “You’re free, go on.”, I repeat.  She stands there. “Fine then, just stand there”. I walked away back into the house. Some time has gone by and I look outside and there she still stands. I think, that’s weird.  What you realize pretty quickly living on a farm is that not only are humans’ creatures of habit, so are animals.

With this knowledge I called my husband and said “Hey, I untied Jazz but she’s not leaving her doghouse?” He asked me how I had untied her and I told him that I unclipped the leash from her choke chain.  Sounded obvious to me.  He laughed. He informed me that I had to take off the choke chain and leave it clipped to the leash.  She still felt the choke chain on her neck and believed she was still tied so she knew she couldn’t go anywhere.  What? Really? She saw me unclip the leash. It was in my hand and I threw it to the side as she watched me. I told her to go and she was free. She should have seen that even though the chain was still there, it didn’t matter anymore.

Is this starting to sound familiar? It sure did to me. Sounds like a modern-day Christian. Sounds like my plight. Jesus died and took on the sin of the whole world. Then He rose and defeated death and sin. Forever. You are free to go run, you’ve been unchained. The problem is we still wear the chains of our sin like a choke collar and we may even believe we are still tied and unable to run.  You are not. “You’re free, go on.”

They're not out there killing it

I messed up. I di it again. How is it that I just can’t get this thing right?  How many times has that gone through your mind? If I’m honest, It goes through my mind a lot. I immediately recall the people I look up to and think, how are they out there killing it at this life thing and I’m  here starting over? 

 Well, they’re probably not.  But they do have a secret weapon you may not know about.  They understand mercy and grace. As Paul starts this conversation in Romans 7:15, I do not understand my own actions. I do the things I don’t want to do…, He’s been there. The bottom line. We are human. It takes a few mess ups.

When I think of this I remember my son’s experience when he was about three years old. We live on a farm so we have electric fence dividing the farm from the house and yard to keep the cows where they belong.  Since he could walk, I have told him; “Don’t touch the fence, it will hurt you.”  We couldn’t move the fence to keep him from getting hurt, he just had to learn not to touch it. As you can probably guess, a 3 year told not to do something is like telling a gorilla not to eat the banana. He touches the fence. He yells and cries. I go over to him, pick him up, hold him and point to the fence.  I gently tell him, “this fence will hurt you.”  I put him down anticipating that now he knows.  The next day I hear a little scream then a cry.  I look around the corner where he was playing with his trucks. He touched the fence again. I knew what he was thinking. The fence on one side of the yard hurt me, but maybe this side won’t. So I repeat my drill. I pick him up. Tell him its ok. Point to the fence. This fence will hurt you.  There. That ought to do it. Two days later. We are out in the front of the house and he is standing by the fence watching his dad feed the cows. He grabs the fence. Scream. Cry. Pick up. Point to fence. Put child down. I think he finally got it.  It took three times for him to realize that the fence behind the yard, side of the yard and the front yard are all the same fence.

No one gets everything right the first time. Trial and error. Just remember that in between the trials, we have a loving Father who picks us up, wipes our tears, gently reminds us that this is not what is good for you then puts us down to learn again. Mercy. Grace.

The call to action for today. As you realize the mercy and grace that is given to you, extend this to others around you. We are all human, in this together and sometimes just need a gentle reminder from others that its OK not to be perfect. Do-overs are a thing.

Fear and Fire

I have a new favorite movie. I spent last weekend watching Skyscraper, twice. I’m surprised at how much I loved this movie since I can’t get to the third rung of a ladder without anxiety. I wig out even watching videos of people washing widows on tall buildings. So as you can probably guess, this movie is about a skyscraper so it is filled with some of the most death defying, height challenging scenes. I think I spent most of it curled up in the fetal position. If you haven’t seen it, I don’t know if there are spoilers or not so read on at your own risk.

The basis of the movie is about a father, Will Sawyer, who would do whatever it takes, even to his own death to save his family from this burning skyscraper.  He loves his family more than his own life. I spend the first hour and 15 minutes holding my breath until I get to this scene. When all seems lost, when Will promises he will find a way out but flames and destruction have surrounded them with absolutely no hope for rescue, this happens. He takes his daughter in his arms. He sits down behind her and surrounds her with himself and all he says to her is “I got you. I got you.”

This is when the tears start to fall. I am in the mind of this little girl and I know that even if I perish right now, my father, who loves me more than life itself, is holding me in his arms, going through the fire with me, and he says the only thing I need to hear right now , “I got you.” Hearing that safe and secure voice, the fear melts away and no matter what happens, as long as I’m with Him, I am ok.

I feel like I’ve been there many times in my life, surrounded by fire with no way of escape. That’s when I hear, “I got you.”  The fear melts away and I again have the strength to face the fire. Safe.  Secure. No matter what.

Penny Candy - The Story Behind the Stories

The joys of my life are writing,  photography, sharing the good parts of life and inspiring others. Some people look at the past with defeat and regret. I choose to look at the diamonds that bring joy and happiness. We need to realize that its not all struggle and trouble and to fix our minds on the things that are and have been good and wonderful amidst everything else. 

This is how inspiration comes to me. I have a thought, I’m literally given a story in my mind to write and I write it down. Today I need to share the beginning.

When I look back on the past years of my childhood/teen years, my favorite parts always came from the visits with my grandparents.  I don’t know what it was but it was where happiness and freedom lived.  Every time we would visit, my  brothers and I were given each a dollar.  We loved to walk the seemingly many miles to the closest store in rural New Hampshire. Starting by the river, through the covered bridge and along the side of the road. This adventure took us all day. From rock throwing competitions off the bridge to finding little treasures in the rocks by the river. 

Our destination was candy, lots of candy.  When we finally arrived at the store with our dollar, we had to be diligent to make this dollar get as much candy as we could.  Penny Candy was the goal. The bigger the bag, the better the score.  We opted for bottle caps and suckers, odd things in wrappers, and sometimes powdery sugar stuff with dip sticks. 

After we filled our bags, we began the trek back home. It was in reality just about a mile. We traded candy and played along the bridges. Sometimes we would sit and sort our loot and decide what we would save or eat. Our parents never worried about us as long as we were home by dinner. We were never in trouble for our bad choices of blowing our dollar all on candy, and not once did anyone mention the mud on our shoes and body from the big adventure.  As a matter of fact, my grandfather would even have more candy hidden in his pockets to add to our loot bags.

The quest for Penny Candy was about the journey. It wasn’t about the prize at the end or who has more or better, just about how much fun the adventure was and the irreplaceable time with my brothers and my grandparents.

I look at the future with the same expectation. Not about the stuff or who has what or who is accomplishing their goals or not, I see the adventure. The time we spend just spending time with family and friends opening our loot bags of life sharing and trading all the parts. We are on this journey together. I will share with you my treasures and I hope it will make this stretch of roadway a little more enjoyable.

Weeds of Illusion

Things farmers know are seemingly infinite.  With my abbreviated knowledge in farming, cultivating, raising livestock, I have learned to ask a lot of questions.   It seems that things are never as they appear so education is vital to be successful.

The farmland we have is mostly for cattle and hay.  My husband and I spend a lot of time riding around the farm checking fence and fields to make sure everything is in good condition for the cattle.  On one such escapade,  we were riding through the field and came upon a patch of really pretty purple flowers.  I pointed them out and said how pretty they were. “Those are weeds” he said “ We should spray those”. That made me a little sad. To me they were so pretty.  To a farmer, they are a hindrance and get in the way of the grass available to the cows.

We have had many conversations like this over so many plants I thought were visually stunning only to find out that my husbands ultimate goal it to eradicate it all.  The more I learned about the different vegetation that grew around the farm, the more I understood.  Most may look beautiful but they spread like crazy and take over fields and render them uneatable to livestock.  Some can even kill the cattle. 

I realized just because something is visually enticing, doesn’t mean it’s good. Or good for you.  So much of the world is based on “pretty” or “good” when that couldn’t be more deceptive.

The Call

On 7:00am Thursday morning you receive a call. Its from headquarters.  The Company you have invested in for years.  You have built your life based on this position and income.  The phone call is from your boss.  He says that on Friday at 8:00am, you will be called into a meeting with the CEO and this meeting will determine whether you keep your job or not.  If you are terminated, everything you have worked for falls apart and you are destitute.  The only thing your boss cant tell you is what exactly will determine you keeping your job with the company. It could be your stats. It could be your presentation of sales. It could  be your contacts but he’s not exactly sure.  Now, how do you spend your Friday?  What you do in the next 24 hours could determine your fate. Do you spend it going through your records, dotting I’s and crossing T’s making sure everything is in order to the best of your ability? Everything is at stake. Or do you spend it like every other day because, hey, you’re awesome, right?

It might seem like a no brainer in this situation but what if you found out today was your last day on the planet? Same phone call only your boss is Jesus and God is your CEO. You will step into eternity tomorrow. Everything is at stake. The difference is that you have the intel.  You are told exactly what you need to do to secure your future for eternity but the question still remains, what would you do? 

Those who have ears, let them hear.

DID YOU GIVE UP ALREADY?

Doing some study this morning on self-discipline. My least favorite subject. Self-discipline to me looked like grueling hours of strenuous workouts, exceptional athletes, quality dressed professionals doing extraordinary things and really killing it at this thing called life. I resigned at one point to the fact that I stink at it so forget it. I was undisciplined in self-discipline. That is until I found the actual meaning of the word.  Self-discipline is choosing to do whats right for me regardless of what I feel like doing. The dictionary says “the ability to control one's feelings and overcome one's weaknesses; the ability to pursue what one thinks is right despite temptations to abandon it”. Did you catch that? What is good for me. Not what is good for the masses or my neighbors or my friends.

This is a hard lesson to learn in the arena of chronic pain. Self-discipline is key to recovery. Doctors are no help at all.  My husband and I laugh about Dr. visits.  The typical checkup these days goes something like this…. “Your blood work looks great. Lose some weight, eat more vegetables, exercise 3 times a week and you’re good to go” What? So, yeah. I’ll just start that first thing in the morning.  What kind of instruction is that? Don’t make me lie to you because that’s not going to happen.  I do remember telling my doctor when he asked me about exercise that I wear a step bracelet and if I find myself sitting too long or haven’t been active enough, I start cleaning the house. He told me that house cleaning doesn’t count as exercise. Peyton Manning probably never broke a sweat cleaning but someone like me sure does!

Bottom line...You can create a habit of self-discipline your way, one day at a time until it becomes so natural, you don’t even realize you have made some positive life changes.  The key is choices.  Every day you make hundreds of choices.  Most of us aren’t even aware we’re making them because they seem so natural.

                  Start paying attention to the choices you are make.  You have more options than what you realize.  Choices disguise themselves as habits or routines, but they’re not, they are your choices.  For example, every day I come home from work, I head to the coffee pot for one more cup to squeeze a few more hours out of this tired body. I have healthier choices. I can power nap for 20 min, listen to some relaxing music just rest a minute to recharge my batteries.

            Pick just one small choice you make and change one thing at a time.   In the mornings, my routine was to get up, hit the coffee pot, sit down in the comfy chair and click on the news. I am very stiff and sore in the mornings so that’s my hardest time of day.  I decided to make some seriously small changes in my morning choices.  I remembered and episode of Dr. Oz where he talked about a first thing in the morning whole body stretch to start the day. It takes like 10 seconds.  I can do that, I’ve got 10 extra seconds.  So, I changed up my routine to look like this; get up, hit the coffee pot, morning stretch then sit down.  I did this everyday until I didn’t even realize I was doing it.  Eventually I worked up to no tv in the mornings and I feel much better physically and mentally. For me, that’s a gold medal win.

                   Don’t beat yourself up.  The biggest mistake anyone trying to make better choices is to beat themselves up. Not just about failure but about progress.  My goal is not to be Rocky Balboa (for us 80s kids) or Peyton Manning, it’s to be the best version of me that I can be.  What that looks like for me is not what it looks like for you.

As long as we live, we are ingrained with the drive to keep being better versions of ourselves and it does require change but self-discipline (aka better choices) doesn’t look like a grueling pain staking life of denying yourself good things. It looks like a series of accomplishments tomorrow that resulted in better choices you started making today.  It’s a slow progress to big changes. Be patient, take your time. Slow and steady does win the race.

“You don’t set out to build a wall, you lay one brick as perfectly as a brick can be laid and you do that every day and pretty soon you have a wall.” -Will Smith 

Independence Day 2017 is almost upon us.  It’s been 241 years since the signing of the Declaration of Independence.  As I sit outside this Saturday evening, its warm and raining.  All I hear in the distance is the sounds of fireworks although I can’t see anything through the dark and storm covered skies.  As I close my eyes, I can just picture 240 years ago, the sound of gun fire and patriots fighting for their freedom.  It gave me chills.  I was humbled. What would they think of us now?  I hope we have made them proud to have developed a country they fought for even though those soldiers would never see the fruits of their sacrifice.  It is a great country.  The greatest and freest of all the world and as I sit here in my little corner of a small piece of that freedom in pursuit of  happiness that is my right, I am also cautious to never take advantage of the gift of Independence that those who fought in the revolutionary war have given me.  How I live my life and how I raise my children to live and interact in this world, will honor them in the highest manner.

I am thankful today for all my past generation ancestors who believed in a country, a cause, so immensely that they were willing to give their lives for it...and for us.  And they did it.  Happy Independence Day.  Let’s Celebrate!

A Super Hero Story

 I have always enjoyed spending time with you reminiscing about days gone by and the love of all things history.  History happens as close as yesterday.  I marvel at the strength of the human race and how we all have a story to tell.  There are so many days that the thoughts of my past take a backseat to the amazing stories that random people bless me with.

Yesterday I spent the best part of the day at Vanderbilt University Hospital waiting on my husband to have surgery. I wasn’t alone. I was surrounded by others just like me spending time in a holding pattern for their loved ones as well.  In one of the waiting areas, I glanced across the room and noticed a man in his 70s, walking with a cane and sitting alone.

 I am not really one to keep to myself so I began my conversation asking him about who he was waiting on.  He has been bringing his 49 year old stepson here for surgeries from 175 miles away in Kentucky.  He would just light up talking about all his sons and their amazing potential in life, that is until this one had a series of strokes and the other had health issues that has kept them from living up to that potential. I had to keep asking questions since he was so willing to chat with me.  I talked about the fact that there is always a way to use our gifts, even when life seems to throw a curve ball.

That conversation led us to the most intriguing conversation of the day.  This sweet man, with a bad leg and the energy to drive his son back and forth from Kentucky to Nashville, was a marine in the Vietnam war. When we began speaking about overcoming obstacles, he was more than ready to share the obstacles he had overcome in his youth.

“In Vietnam, the heroin was 82% pure heroin. Not like the stuff they have today.  This stuff was almost pure heroin.  It was easy to get and even easier to get hooked.”  As the war was ending, he traveled through the Philippines before heading home.  There he experienced the hell of withdrawal. He had never been so sick for so long. The vomiting, shaking and complete torment overcame every ounce of his being.

I asked him what happened after he returned home, thinking that relapses are common and the difficulty re-adjusting from war.  He said “Well, I decided to go to college, get my degree and now I am an alcohol and drug counselor.” He didn't talk about the post Vietnam war stuff we read about or the struggles of reintegrating with society. All he knew was that he would never experience the effects of drug use again.  He talked about hope and his goal of saving people from his previous fate. Still. At 70 something.

As soon as that was said, the phone rings and the nurse calls me out. I turned and looked at the man and thanked him for telling me his story. I told him I hope his son’s surgery goes well.

That was it. I never saw him again over the next 5 hours I spent at the hospital. I looked everywhere because I really would have loved to hear more but I guess that wasn’t meant to be that day.

We are all superheroes.  We all have that mountain we have to move and then use that strength to help others move their mountains. We may have different superpowers, but we are all heroes.

Life's Like This

It’s a forest. A big huge forest.  It’s the Smoky Mountains. When you’re 20 something, your standing at the edge of the forest looking in. You are in awe. Its so big and beautiful. Its exciting and scary.  You are ready.  With all the enthusiasm, you have everything packed you think you will need for your trip. Your trip to the other side where there awaits you a castle of beauty and all the promises of a sweet restful life.  You are sure you have everything. The tent, sleeping bag, food, water, clothes and a great pair of hiking boots.  “This forest is mine. I got this!”

            As you head in and find the trail, the excitement is so exhilarating, you run.  The quicker you get to where you’re going the sooner you can just sit back and enjoy the scenery.

Before long the run turns to a jog then the jog to a walk.  There are snakes in here! You didn’t bring a bite kit for that.  There are huge rock walls that need to be climbed.  There are rivers that must be waded through.  There’s weird noises.  One after another you face things you never dreamed you would face. And things you never planned on preparing for.  Every once in a while, you slip on some damp moss and rock ledges, tumble down a hill and land in a pile of brush.  You check yourself for injuries, get up and move on.  This seems a little overwhelming and more than you bargained for.  When you finally find a peak high enough to look around, it seems the way back to the start (because all you want is rest) is much further now and more complicated than when you entered in.  You must keep pushing forward even though, at the highest peak, you can’t see the destination. 

This is the point on your journey that you begin to determine that you will start enjoying the good things around you since you’re not sure what the other side looks like.  You notice the wild flowers are blooming the most beautiful shade of purple and pink.  The animals seem to have a system in their storing food, talking to each other and interacting in their world.  Your eyes are starting to open.  This crazy wilderness that you realized you weren’t prepared for suddenly becomes a source of peace in all its hills and valleys.

I’m in the middle of my forest.  There is no ending yet because I still can’t see it from my mountain top but it took me everything I had to get here.  From battling lions to warding off poison ivy.  The number of days I have won is all of them.

Happy Trails and keep going, you’ll get there.

The Melting Pot

I grew up in a melting pot. I almost think that kids raised in non diverse cultures have a serious disadvantage.  I loved being exposed to so many cultures every day and completely unaware that I was. I just thought it was life.  Thinking back on those days, I have so many fond memories of people who have taught me so much.  Today I glance into a world that appears to not have had the raising I did.

My first after school job is still my favorite.  The owner and my boss were orthodox Jewish and I had the best working experience of my life.  They treated all employees like family.  I always got tickled before the holidays like Yom Kipper and Passover, the wives would call and remind them of when to be home before dark and the plans for the events.  It made me grin because they would roll their eyes and come back with some Yiddish I didn’t know.  I did learn some Yiddish, 2 words exactly that I still use to this day. Oy Vey and Mashugginah.  My personal favorites. I was blessed to spend time with my boss’s dad who had escaped the concentration camps as a child and I was intrigued humbled with the stories.

On my way home from work every day I would stop at the Dairy Mart and get my 10:30 candy bar and a can of coke.  The owner used to give me a hard time at my unspontaneous choices. Then I gave it right back. I enjoyed the ribbing and I think he did too. I would ask him about where he was from and how he ended up here.  He wasn’t offended that I asked. I was just a curious teenager and I think he was even happy I asked. He was from India, first generation to come to America to try to make a living.  He was always asking me to work for him, but I never did.

On pay day I always had to get my check to the bank at lunch because when you’re 17, by pay day, your car is running on fumes.  As I walk into the bank by my work, the only language I hear is Spanish. I caught myself staring but not because they were speaking Spanish but because I was amazed at how fast those words would just roll out. I took Spanish since 5^th grade and it still took me 15 seconds to say “me yamo Cheryl”. Or however you spell it.

The short of it, I love learning about everyone. All cultures, all peoples of the world. I find stories fascinating and getting firsthand accounts of life unlike my own are amazing.  At no time did I ever feel the need to compare my life or issue a right or wrong judgement. Just pure privilege of getting to know people. I look around me today and feel like we need to stop arguing and ask more questions; stop judging and start listening with ears of wonder.   I know who I am already and I have my thing just as you know who you are and what your thing is. Let’s go get a cup of coffee and shoot the breeze awhile.

Confession of a Would-Be Drug Addict

I have spent the last year diving into the drug epidemic in this country. All the families that suffer from just one person’s misstep, misjudgment or caught off guard weak moment. I hate it but in some way, I get it.  I recently read an article from the medical director of a hospital in CT where his primary function is to review autopsy reports.  The overdose deaths taking lives so early is disturbing.  What stood out to me was the fact that a lot of the overdoses weren’t because of too much of a drug, ie.  pills, heroin, or street drugs but a combination of pain killers used in the correct dosage but as a mix.  Simply taking a Valium, a Xanax and your other meds can result in your going to sleep and never waking up. 

Many people I talk to in day to day conversations are appalled at the over usage of Rx medications and I agree with them, especially when it results in the harm of our children and the destruction of our families.  It always leaves us asking “Why? Why are these people choosing this path?”.   If we are going to help people, we need to understand what’s going on in the hearts and minds of the victims.

“I just had knee surgery, next thing I knew, I was on the street waiting for my contact to bring me more Percocet.  The doctor stopped prescribing it, but I’m still in so much pain.”  This is the beginning of so many addicts’ stories.  Pain is a terrible thing and the prescribing of so many opioid pain killers, is hard to resist.  I completely understand this mentality. In fact, my heart goes out to those who start out in this realm.

I have had chronic pain for 10 years.  About 5 years ago, I cracked a tooth down to my jawbone and had to have it pulled.  I am an anxiety nightmare when it comes to dentists, so I had them knock me out.  When I woke up after the procedure, they had also given me Demerol for my pain.  I remember thinking… this is the first time in years that my body isn’t riddled with pain! I was so happy to think that this is what it must be like to be normal without the chronic fibromyalgia beating me down!  I immediately turned to my husband and said “Never let me have pain medications again!”   I knew right there that if I were to ever start treating my pain with pain killers, I wouldn’t stop.  It was the best feeling in the world.  Since that day, I have chosen to live with my pain and make that choice on a daily basis and function to the best of my ability without medication. I was thankful for that revelation and understand the attraction. On a good day, my pain is a 4 and on a bad day, its unbearable; yet in my life, I have seen so much destruction from pain killers and pain numbing street drugs that I just refuse to choose my personal pain over causing others I love pain. 

And the point?  I think in this day and age, there are so many new and existing chronic pain conditions and post-surgery, injury pain, that we need to look at the science of our medical approach to treating it.  We can’t help people with pain without creating addicts unless we start researching safe ways to treat the conditions.  There are so many alternative approaches (biofeedback, acupuncture, and therapy) that would decrease pain and keep patients off tempting medications. We are dumping billions into drug research.  If just a portion of that funding would go to alternative therapies, release the findings, educate the medical profession, we could save lives.  Not only lives of adults, but families and children affected by the byproduct of abuse.  The domino effect would be unmeasurable.

Finding Revelation in Genesis

I have spent many nights under the sky marveling at the moon and stars.  My mind enjoys the peace of staring into the sky thinking about the universe and the Creator of it all. What a masterful plan with every detail attended to.  A few days ago, I had the joy of watching the harvest moon rise up over the mountains in all its huge glory.  When it rises and has the mountains in front of it, you get a real opportunity to see how awesome it really is.

 The moon actually has no light of it's own. It only reflects the light of the sun that illuminates the earth. Without the sun, the moon is actually just this big insignificant rock hanging out in the atmosphere. As the position of the sun changes, however near or far to the moon, it changes the illumination of the moon. This is the process God created. It wasn't just a way of giving us light, it was a way of showing us light and how light and darkness work. The moon can only reflect the light that is available by the sun. We marvel at the beauty of the moon when in reality, it is the sun that creates all the beauty.

 And God set them in the expanse of the heavens to give light on the earth to rule over the day and over the night, and to separate the light from the darkness. -Gen 1:17-18.

Jesus came as the light of the world. As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world" John 9:5.  Light and darkness were a pretty important theme in the new testament. There are over 112 scriptures referring to it. That definitely causes me to go back to the beginning where light and darkness were first found.  You and I are merely human and cannot create a light of our own. The light we shine (or illuminate) in the world is what is reflected by and through the son. How close or how far you are in your relationship with Jesus, seems to determine how bright you can illuminate. I don't know about you, but the revelation of receiving just a small nugget of truth in scripture can be pretty awesome.

I have spent many evening photographing the sky in all sorts of ways. Time lapse, star trails, moon shots and meteors are some of my favorites. If you ever have had the chance to do this, you'll notice that when you leave the lens open for an extended period of time, the sky is actually filled with so many stars unseeable to the naked eye that they seem to create a blanket of light. This is where heaven is.

Genesis 1:14 And God said"Let there be lights in the expanse of the heavens to separate the day from the night"...15 and let them be lights in the expanse of the heavens to give light upon the earth."  Wow.
Have you every thought about sitting under the stars and looking directly into heaven? I have. I truly marvel at the fact that God loves us so much that He to put all this into motion.

The Perfect Plan

My favorite activity in the fall is being up in the morning alone with a cup of coffee and sitting on the porch completely admiring the changing leaves. There is so much quiet and beauty that takes me far away from everyday craziness.

This morning I was joined by a praying mantis. This time of year, they turn brown and it was quite a surprise to sit down next to this little guy.  He didn’t move or jump away. He just cocked his little head and acknowledged my presence as he continued on with his praying.  This is the point my mind begins to wonder down the rabbit hole of solstice.

What a marvelous creation God has made.  Is this little guy a male? If he is does he know when he mates, he’ll be eaten? Does he know its his destiny or purpose? Is this some kind of sacrificial mating? I wasn’t kidding about the rabbit hole.  I then began to think of other creatures that fascinate me. Glow worms. Those are some cool and weird sights. What was their purpose besides lighting the path as I walk to my car on a moonless night? Stick bugs.  I have only seen a few stick bugs around the house. They really make you think God was like, Hey, lets take this twig and give it some legs and see what happens here.

All this wondering points me to creation.  We all know God created these creatures in one day. I have always pictured – HERE –and there they were, but if you think about it, not only did God speak all this into being, He also had to give each and every thing direction, their marching orders so to speak. Tell the trees “grow leaves, have them change color and shed them. Then wait a few months and grow some new ones.” Each and everything on the planet it’s specific instruction of how interact with the world.  Now that is an amazing and fantastic wonder!

Then there’s humans and this apple. We too have our orders, our destinies and how to interact with the world.  The only difference is we have a choice. We ate the apple and become aware.  Nothing else on the planet is given the luxury of choice.  Would the praying mantis, knowing what we know, choose to mate? Even our pets that we so humanize, are given their instruction and act accordingly.

As I think of all these things in the quiet of the morning watching the leaves fall and the mantis now start cleaning his paws, I find such peace and comfort in such a perfect plan.  Everything is at it should be in all it’s beauty.