The Secret Formula to a Successful Family

Over the past few years, I have slowly been gathering information about kids and families and their dynamics.  After awhile you begin to see patterns and this then becomes common sense.  Personal experience of my failures (I wish I had known) and successes (I’ve tried it myself) which  confirms my findings. I have worked with so many parents and found that these areas are places to start working on a happier family:

1.       Your spouse takes precedence over your children.  – Ok. Stop reading in disbelief; I speak the truth.  A strong marriage produces by default, a strong family.  All your children really want from you, not the latest XBOX or to be kept busy with sports 24/7, is to have the confidence to know that they are on solid ground. A firm foundation. If your marriage is the foundation of your family you better be sure it’s invincible.  In this environment, children thrive and have more confidence to go out on their own and be successful.  They in turn will mimic this and create firm relationships and lives themselves.Date night. Don’t laugh. Yes, date night is a must.  As busy as we all are we have to stop and take time for our spouses.  Even just a dinner and a movie will give you a chance to talk and relate to each other again.  After 13 years, we are still in the habit of our once a month date night.  Its amazing how much I have find out that has been going on with my husband that is usually small things we have no time otherwise to discuss.  Now onto a little family dynamics…..

2.       Be the mentor – I can’t stress enough the fact that children are watching what parents do more than they are listening to what they say.  You will be copied. Teenagers get blamed a lot for peer pressure influences.  Parents are proven to be the #1 influence above a child’s friends. No matter what age they are pioneering, they will continually be looking to you as a reference. Think about how babies learn. Its mostly all by imitation; everything from phonics to movement.  This does not stop as they age.  If you really start to contemplate this, you will see that it may not be just genetics that makes the apple fall close to the tree.

3.       Be accountable -   Responsibility is the most misaddressed area of the family dynamic today more than ever.  Children as young as 3 and 4 can start becoming responsible.  This is invaluable as they begin to grow into young adults.  A four year old can take off his shoes at the door and place them in a designated area.  This is teachable.  At a young age they so want to please you and be given praise that it’s a great place to start.  Being responsible breeds self-esteem.  We have so many young people out there feeling bad about themselves.  So insufficient and unworthy, I would call it the next epidemic.  Starting a regimen of responsibilities gives everyone a source of value and purpose thus ending in good self-esteem and in turn a happier family.

4.       You’re the parents – The team does not consist of children vs. mom vs. dad.  Parents need to plan how they are going to handle situations that come up in advance.  This is even more important with stepchildren and the roles step parents play.  Get your huddle on and have private meetings (maybe date night?) to talk about acceptable ways to approach problems and issues the kids will throw at you.  A teens favorite ammunition, and so easily played, is divide and conquer.  If you can pitch mom against dad, then the teen is no longer the issue. Bam, slam dunk and a win.

5.       Have fun – This should have been #2 if the list was in order.  The healthiest thing you can do for a family is have fun together.  Most of the time it’s free. This is not always easy and you may have to require attendance, but once it starts, everyone will have memories and references to last a lifetime.  In our house it’s been everything from chess tournaments and board games to walking in the woods to meteor hunting.  My heart is so happy when I see family pictures on facebook of days at the park or visiting with relatives.

6.       Pray together – I learned just the other day that 1 in 50,000 couples that pray together end in divorce. Those are awesome odds and truly worth saving a family for.   My family has been praying together for 13 years and its exactly what we need at the end of the day to remind us how grateful and thankful we are regardless of all that conspired during the day.

There concludes my top six.  This is my own personal observation and I find it to be pretty spot on.